Talking to your family about your donation

This page explains some ways you might approach the discussion with your family or partner. It could also be helpful to discuss your feelings about donation with a counsellor (alone, or with your partner, if you have one), or with a trusted friend.

Talking to your partner

When deciding whether to donate, you may wish to discuss this with your partner and take into account how they feel about it. There may be implications for them too, if you have (or plan to have) children together. This is because any children will be genetically connected to anyone born from your donation.

If you donated before you were in a relationship with your partner, you would not have been able to take their views into account. Some partners are comfortable and supportive of their partner’s donation and encourage contact with donor-conceived people and their family.

Some partners may feel jealous, hurt or angry that you may have helped to create another family with someone else. Some may fear being excluded if you have contact with the donor-conceived people born from your donation, or wonder where they fit in. They may also be concerned about any potential impact on your relationship with your children (if you have them).

This issue can sometimes be challenging for partners who have not had children. For partners who wanted children but have been unable to have them, the fact that someone else has had children who are biologically related to you can be difficult to process.

It may be helpful for your partner to know:

• your reasons for donating
• research shows that most donor-conceived people do not want or expect the donor to have a parental role
• Some, however, may wish to develop close relationships with their donor and/or their donor’s wider family members
• donor-conceived people conceived through a UK licensed clinic have no legal right to make a claim on your estate
• how many donor-conceived people were born from your donation, their ages and sex (you can apply to us for this information if you donated after August 1991, if you haven’t already)
• your thoughts regarding whether you wish to exchange information with individuals conceived from your donation, contact them, or respond to contact from them (or, if you have already had contact, your reasons for doing so)

Your partner may worry that your relationship with them or your children will be negatively affected by any contact with your donor-conceived children and it’s important to approach any concerns sensitively and reassure them.

Talking to your children

Whether you already had children at the time of donating, or you have had children since you donated, it’s helpful if you speak to your children about your donation as early as possible. Being open and honest makes it easier for them to accept and understand it.

If children are younger, you can explain in simple terms and provide more detailed information later. Some children may be curious and view the news positively. Others may feel worried that this might change their role in the family or that they will have to ‘share’ you.

Children’s reactions vary depending on their age as well as personality. Younger children usually take the news about donor-conception in their stride, respect their parent’s decision to donate and tend to cope well with the information. Take a lead from their response, offering more details as they ask questions and checking whether they have understood what you have told them.

Teenagers or adult children may respond in various ways. They may need time to absorb the news, understand how it could affect them, and have questions for you. Some may be unhappy or find it difficult to understand your choice; others may find the news exciting and may be keen to connect with donor-conceived people born from your donation. Their reactions may also change over time.

It can help to:

• practise what you want to say before you talk to your children
• involve your children’s other parent if appropriate
• choose a time which is relatively stress-free for your child
• speak to them at home rather than in an unfamiliar environment
• talk to them in an age-appropriate way; younger children need more straightforward explanations; older and adult children may need more complex information. There are also books available for children of different ages explaining different types of donor conception. You can find books created especially for young children of donors on the Donor Conception Network website.
• try to be as relaxed and positive as possible, as your child may sense if you feel uncomfortable (exploring your feelings with a counsellor first may be helpful)
• reassure your child(ren) that there is plenty of love for them and that this does not change your relationship with them or how you feel about them
• remind your child that you are their parent and not the parent of any donor-conceived people born from your donation. You do not have legal or financial responsibility for any individual donor-conceived through a UK licensed clinic.
• consider sharing some of your own feelings with adult children, for example, let them know if you are finding talking to them about this hard
• make it clear your family can come back to you with thoughts and questions later- don’t make this a one-time conversation.

Talking to your parents/siblings and wider family

Donation can impact on your wider family as some of them will be genetically connected to your donor-conceived children too. Some of your extended family may support donation and welcome contact with your donor-conceived children (if this is possible); while others may not understand or support this.

The same principles concerning how to talk with your partner or children apply to talking with other members of your family.